Welcome
to my morning, welcome to my day
Oh
yes, I’m the one responsible
I
made it just this way.
-
from Farewell Andromeda
-
by John Denver
If
life hands you lemons, make lemonade.
Yellow
is the color of lemons, bananas, and gold. You decide how you will color your
life.
Over the last few months more and
more of these inspirational sayings have shown up on my Facebook timeline. I
don’t think anyone is posting them with me in mind; my friends are just posting
things that move them and I get to see them. When I see them, I find myself
thinking, “That’s not really true.” The John Denver song is one that I used
sing when I was deliriously happy (or what passed for deliriously happy in me).
I haven’t been able to sing it since March 2012.
I’ve also been seeing those
“Gratitude Challenges” on Facebook and desperately hoping that no one will
challenge me.
See, I used to think that how you
thought about the things that happened was what really mattered. Parents
divorced? No problem, it’s not about me, it’s about them and at least the
fighting is over. Stepfather’s an alcoholic? Again, not about me and he at
least taught me to do my work well. Screwed something up at work? Learning
experience. So, I get where those sayings (and Denver’s song) were coming from.
But I just can’t make a positive of Jonathan’s loss. My mind rebels at the
thought of even trying. I didn’t make this day, I would not have made it just
this way. If I had made this day, Jonathan would still be alive. He’d be
healthy and happy. He’d be in grad school, his career off to an amazing start
and he’d have an amazing friend who only had eyes for him…
But I didn’t make this day and
gratitude is complicated. Everything is shadowed by the hole in my heart where
Jonathan was. Intellectually I know that I have a pretty good life. I’ve got a
relatively secure job that I really enjoy, a nice home, and a lot of good
friends. I have one really good friend, who somehow always seems to know when I
need to hear a friendly voice. Benjamin is doing really well in college and he
seems happy and healthy. I have enough resources to feel secure and to be able
to engage in my hobby. There’s a lot to be grateful for, and I guess that, in
some ways, I am. It’s just that some of the positive emotion that’s part of
gratitude – the joy or happiness or pleasure – has been sucked out by that
hole.
I can’t seem to fix that. I don’t
know if it’s fixable. I didn’t make this day. And, folks, sometimes a lemon is
just a lemon.
